Wilderness
In the summer of 2015, I entered the outer perimeter of a wilderness that I had no idea that the spirit of the Lord was leading me to. It was a Sunday morning just like all others, so I thought. The service began as a routine service; however, that morning, the spirit of the Lord unusually came on me. He began to re-calibrate my life. The weightiness of His presence led me to my knees; He appealed to me and said I am calling you to come lower. At that moment, I realized this was a different unction from my daily prayer of, Lord I humble myself, I do not want to do ministry without you.
He said to me, in the past, during seasons like these, I have asked you to get above issues, challenges, and situations to receive my perspective. Now, I call you to go below all these things to receive my heart in a more significant way. I’m inviting you to a deeper place in me, a place of deeper humility, as I perform a more in-depth work, and purging in your life. He said there are many things I want to show you and teach you that you do not know.
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At that moment, an overwhelming desire flooded my heart to die in a greater way to flesh and pride. I began to repent of any pride that was operating in my life, and humble myself more to Father Gods' will.
My heart was crying out for an encounter with Him that would change me to be more like Him. I wanted to come into a deeper relationship with Him; I wanted to burn more for Him. As I was on my face on the floor, a cry began to rise out from my being's depth as I wept and wept.
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During that time frame, I was a couple of years into leading, preaching, and teaching at the ministry school and church where I attended. My assignment consisted of wearing many hats, with a lot of responsibility and influence.
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As the spirit of the Lord was moving on me, I began to say to God through my thoughts. If the platform and the microphone will destroy me, I do not want it! Take it away from me, God. I want you! You are more important than the platform and the microphone. As I was thinking these thoughts to God, I felt like I needed to speak to Him aloud. When I went to say these words to God out loud, immediately pride told me, do not say that, if you say that, God will take everything from you, and you will never get it back!
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Immediately pride created a fear of loss inside of me. A fear that God was going to strip me of everything, including my calling. I thought for a moment; this is crazy talk.
Then I realized, the enemy of my soul is trying to keep me from giving everything to Jesus. I broke through that overwhelming feeling of fear and pride and said, I want you, Jesus! You are more important to me than any ministry and anything I could ever do or say.
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I rose and confronted the deception of pride and lies of fear and said I do not care! If God reveals, the ministry will destroy me; then, I want Him to take it! If the platform and microphone are going to destroy me, I do not want it!
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My created being is in Christ Jesus. My identity is not in the microphone, platform, title, gifts, anointing, and talents. My identity is not in people and man’s acceptance or approval.
I am solely living for the one who rescued me out of the pit, saved my life when I was self-destructing, miraculously saved my marriage, delivered me, and turned my life around. I am so in love with Jesus that I would never want to replace Him in any part of my life. My life entirely belongs to Him.
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As I humbled myself and boldly cried out these words, God, if this is going to destroy me, take it from me, take the microphone, take the platform, take the ministry. I began to weep from my innermost being. As I began to lower myself physically, mentally, emotionally, I felt like I could not go low enough, I felt like I needed to go lower and lower and lower in Him.
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The reality is that we can get so caught up in performance-based ministries, promotions, striving for title and positions as a believer, that we can base our existence in Christ Jesus on doing all the ministry works. We may not realize it. We may pat ourselves on the back and think that we are humble and meek, not only deceiving ourselves but deceiving others.
The fact is we are in a relationship with the creator of the universe. What an honor, what a privilege. To be called to love Him with all that we are—making Him everything within our existence. We are created for a relationship with Jesus—daily falling in love with Him with all our hearts, soul, and body.
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Are we more passionate about what is on His heart, or what is on our heart? Do we stop long enough to find out what is on His heart, or do we run along assuming we know and are doing what is on His heart?
The question is, are we letting our love for God overtake us and consume us? Are we more passionate about the approval man, the platform, the title, the promotion, the applause than we are about being with Him when no one is around? If He told us to lay the mic down, step off the platform, quit the job, give up the positions, sell everything we own, shut down all our social media, remove all titles, serve where our peers, sphere of influence and leaders will not see or reward us, would we do it?
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There are many playing instruments, singing, and leading worship that do not know Jesus. They sing about Him but do not know Him.
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There are many behind pulpits today that do not know Jesus.
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Many people in churches care more about pleasing people and their leaders than being in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
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He is our life, source, re-warder, and our audience.
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In Love with Jesus,
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~Tammy Brunk